I went to a piano lesson this afternoon because it's almost March and I wanted to go over the piece I picked for the month. No, this is not the small, silly thing, but I'm excited about my March piece! More on that later.
Before I headed over, I let C (my teacher/piano anxiety support person) 😂 know that I was also bringing my mostly finished second February piece to try to play. I asked her to please not let me run away without trying to do this.You see, my anxious alter-ego takes over when I get there and I knew if I didn't put some sort of accountability in place beforehand, I would DEFINITELY attempt to duck and run without trying, completely shamelessly, I might add.
The last five minutes of my visit, she kept her word and made me play. I have to give her a shout-out for doing this because I have a feeling it can't be that easy to push someone into a what is really a very large amount of quite visible discomfort even though they've been asked to do so.
So, last time, I made it through barely two lines before my overactive fight or flight stuff kicked in, complete with Richter-scale-level shaking hands.
This time, it started to happen again at the EXACT. SAME. POINT.
(the following is accurate representation of my brain way more than I'd like to admit)
I yelled at all the voices in my head and attempted to take the control panel back over. It went something like: "OH HECK NO.... we are NOT stopping at the second line again! There is no t-rex chasing us through the jungle so cut this crap out!"
Then, I pulled non-medicinal idea #1 out of my "things to try" hat and asked the teacher to stand across the room instead of sitting next to me. I took a breath and I started over.
It was definitely still challenging, but it was the tiniest bit easier. I made a plethora of mistakes where I don't normally make mistakes. There were wrong notes all over, stops and starts, and I lost my place at least three times...but .... but... BUT! I made it to the end! I feel like I punched anxiety in the face by doing so too. I also have a feeling if I had continued to play through the nerves they would have given up a little the second go 'round.
And THAT is my small thing I did today. Yep. I took a piece I've played at home WELL hundreds of times and played it fairly poorly in a different setting. 😂
I joke of course, about it being a small thing because as anyone with anxiety can attest to, even the smallest of forward progress is huge. I couldn't have done this a month ago.... or even two weeks ago.
So, yeah.... I'm just a girl, over here punching anxiety in the face one little step at a time and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. (it's the only way to deal sometimes, honestly) 👊
The last five minutes of my visit, she kept her word and made me play. I have to give her a shout-out for doing this because I have a feeling it can't be that easy to push someone into a what is really a very large amount of quite visible discomfort even though they've been asked to do so.
So, last time, I made it through barely two lines before my overactive fight or flight stuff kicked in, complete with Richter-scale-level shaking hands.
This time, it started to happen again at the EXACT. SAME. POINT.
(the following is accurate representation of my brain way more than I'd like to admit)
I yelled at all the voices in my head and attempted to take the control panel back over. It went something like: "OH HECK NO.... we are NOT stopping at the second line again! There is no t-rex chasing us through the jungle so cut this crap out!"
Then, I pulled non-medicinal idea #1 out of my "things to try" hat and asked the teacher to stand across the room instead of sitting next to me. I took a breath and I started over.
It was definitely still challenging, but it was the tiniest bit easier. I made a plethora of mistakes where I don't normally make mistakes. There were wrong notes all over, stops and starts, and I lost my place at least three times...but .... but... BUT! I made it to the end! I feel like I punched anxiety in the face by doing so too. I also have a feeling if I had continued to play through the nerves they would have given up a little the second go 'round.
And THAT is my small thing I did today. Yep. I took a piece I've played at home WELL hundreds of times and played it fairly poorly in a different setting. 😂
I joke of course, about it being a small thing because as anyone with anxiety can attest to, even the smallest of forward progress is huge. I couldn't have done this a month ago.... or even two weeks ago.
So, yeah.... I'm just a girl, over here punching anxiety in the face one little step at a time and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. (it's the only way to deal sometimes, honestly) 👊
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