Sometimes, fear wins....

I debated sharing this, but I want this blog to be an honest account of this journey that I'm positive is about so much more than learning to play 12 pieces on the piano.

So here we go....

I decided a week ago that I needed to deal with the physical manifestation of my performance anxiety (shaky hands) as quickly as possible. Not being able to effectively play through even the smallest parts of a piece in front of the teacher makes it a WHOLE lot harder for her to see what specifically I'm struggling with. (because it ALL sounds like a struggle when your fingers are suddenly not working)

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, try submerging your hands in ice water for five minutes and then doing anything with your fingers that requires dexterity....literally anything. Yeah, it doesn't work.

My plan to tackle it was to try playing snippets of my kids' pieces in front of the teacher, some DIY exposure therapy, if you will. I can sightread any of their pieces easily. I do it all the time so they can hear what they should sound like, so there would be no "I can't do this yet" component. I actually figured the whole exercise would be silly enough that my anxiety wouldn't even register that anything was happening.  It seemed like such a great idea!

Our teacher suggested trying just four measures at the tail-end of one of the kids' lessons. No problem! I even let my 9-year-old choose the four measures. (and he's just a little bit evil so he picked what he thought were the four hardest measures in his piece. LOL)

I was prepared. I was cool. I was even still laughing about it on the ride over.

And then we got there I was suddenly not feeling it.

Like,  AT ALL.

This little exercise should have been easy. It should have been fun.  I had even planned to play it up and bow like the kids do at their recitals. 😂

But I discovered I couldn't even move from my spot on the couch.  No force of will could push past the anxiety that had snuck up on me from behind when I wasn't looking.

Anxiety is a bully.  It sits on top of you and beats you up and tells you you'll never be good enough and you'll never win, no matter how hard you try.  I'm pretty pissed off at it right now, which I guess this is a good thing because it gives me the motivation I need to get up, throw it off my back, and try again another day.

And I will try again soon! It's a process.... a slow one... baby steps, some of them backwards, apparently. Hoping the next ones move me forward.